Episode 5

Right in the beginning, there's this tardy looking guy who wants to become a vampire so goes to this club with some stupid card, as if it's going to help him turn into a god. Regardless, he gets chewed up by REALLY HOT VAMPIRE CHICKS WITH REALLY TIGHT OUTFITS. Ok, now that they have you completely distracted, the main story of the episode doesn't matter because it sucks anyway. Ok now Alucard gets a NEW GUN. It's like even more powerful than his silver cross gun and it's like fucking 35 pounds. Needless to say he's probobly going to kick alot of ass with it. Celes also gets a weapon, this fucking crazy ass looking rocket launcher, the "Anti-Freak" cannon, which in a way is hilarious because it's like twice her height. There's like this funny carnival music when she's holding it and it actually made me laugh out loud. I'm not even sure what this episode is ACTUALLY about but basically there are these two vampires, this supposed hot shot blonde guy and this stupid looking punk teenager guy. I think they want to take down Hellsing and they make references to some gang war but I honestly have no idea what they're talking about. Integral meets with these supposed Knights of the Round table, but they're like these stupid old guys that just complain that Hellsing has too much power... fuck them. Anyway, Hellsing raids the vampire's club but finds out it's a trap. Celes gets blown up or something but fails to die yet again. Then these two vampires drive a bus load of ghouls with guns right into the Hellsing mansion. Meanwhile Alucard sits around like a badass, clearly the high point of the episode. This episode ends when that stupid general guy (God knows what his fucking name is) gets shot by the punk vampire guy. True scum... this episode is to be continued, good grief the story keeps going...

What You Need To Know: Uh basically Hellsing is under attack by these trashy vampires and their army of undead soldiers.